For over a decade, I was addicted to porn and sex…I just didn’t know it.
I thought my behavior was normal. Lots of guys look at porn every day, I told myself. Lots of guys have occasional hookups or one-night stands. I saw the thousands of websites dedicated to fulfilling these desires and thought, This is just what men do.
Porn and sex addiction can be hard to spot (in yourself or in others) for precisely this reason. It seems like everyone does these things, so at what point do they become a problem?
That’s the question I want to answer here. For way too many years, I thought I was fine, when in reality I was slowly destroying myself, my family, and my career. I don’t want that to happen to you or your loved ones.
So, here are 7 signs you might be dealing with an addiction to porn or sex.
Sign #1: You spend a lot of time on porn or sex
Do you think about or engage in porn or sex every day?
Do you spend significant time planning and fantasizing about porn or sex?
Are you acutely aware of any opportunity to watch porn or seek sex, even if you don’t always take it?
When I was addicted, I watched porn every single day. On the days when I couldn’t, I wished I could. As my addiction escalated to include actual hookups, I would spend hours sifting through online profiles, chatting with women, planning encounters, and fantasizing about them.
Porn and sex became a huge distraction that cut into the time and mental space I needed for the people and responsibilities that really mattered to me. At the same time, they weren’t adding anything valuable to my life except brief and increasingly disappointing moments of numbness. That’s a whole lot of time wasted for nothing—time I’ll never get back.
Sign #2: You struggle to control your behavior
Do you flip flop between desire and shame?
Have you ever tried to cut back or stop but failed?
Do you watch porn or seek sex in inappropriate situations, even though you know you shouldn’t?
I did all those things. Every time I watched porn in the bathroom while my wife slept, every time I met up with a stranger for a one-night stand, I left filled with disgust at my own behavior. I swore I would stop, and sometimes I did for a while…but I always started again eventually.
I was only able to break this pattern after admitting I was addicted and seeking help. Until I understood and addressed the true reasons for my compulsive behavior, no amount of willpower was enough to stop myself, even when I desperately wanted to.
Sign #3: You have developed a tolerance for porn or sex
Do you find that what used to satisfy you no longer does?
Do you spend more time on porn and sex than you used to?
Do you seek out more and more extreme or risky forms of porn or sex?
In the beginning of my addiction, a simple nude photo was all I needed. But before long, those lost their luster. Next came more explicit images, short videos, longer videos, more extreme situations. Eventually, porn wasn’t enough anymore, and I started looking for real sex—despite being in a committed relationship. That escalated too, in both frequency and risk, until I finally got caught.
It’s the same storyline of any drug addict. It starts with a small taste of a gateway drug, but that little taste starts to lose its power, so you need more and more, and you’ll do more and more to get it.
Sign #4: You use porn or sex to escape reality or numb yourself
Do you use porn or seek sex to distract yourself from stress or negative emotions?
Do you feel like these activities make the rest of the world disappear temporarily?
Do you ever feel reluctant to “go back” to the real world?
Between the demands of my career and my own need for “achievement,” I created a high-pressure life for myself, and porn and sex became my escape from that stress. They were also an escape from the unhappy reality of my marriage, which grew increasingly distant and dysfunctional. Eventually, sex was no longer about desire or pleasure; it was just a way to numb myself from the pain for a little while.
That’s not healthy. Relieving stress is good for you and makes you more capable of engaging with the challenges of life; escaping from reality does the opposite. By using sex and porn to run away from the things I needed to face, I only made everything worse.
Sign #5: You experience withdrawal when you stop
Do you feel more anxious, irritable, or depressed when you don’t watch porn or have sex?
Do you have trouble concentrating or sleeping?
Do you feel fatigued, ill, or just not yourself?
There was a reason I never stuck to my plan when I periodically swore off porn and extramarital sex. My brain was used to the constant overstimulation of regular, massive dopamine hits. When they stopped, the withdrawal was very real. I was physically drained and mentally jumpy. I couldn’t relax or sleep. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, like I was itching to get out.
Later, when I began my recovery from addiction, these withdrawal symptoms derailed me more than once. But with the right support and a deeper understanding of what I was going through, I learned how to overcome them and rewire my addicted brain.
Sign #6: Your relationships are suffering
Do you feel distant or isolated from important people in your life?
Is your behavior a source of conflict with people you care about?
Are you neglecting your responsibilities towards other people, like your family or work team?
In the depths of my addiction, I felt like an outsider in my own family. I was focused on everything but them and wasn’t there when they needed me. When I was there, I felt so out of place that all I could think about was escaping, often into porn and sex.
My work relationships suffered, too. My problems at home created stress that interfered with my work, and to top it all off, I made more than one person uncomfortable with inappropriate sexual advances. Little by little, I was alienating everyone who mattered to me.
It wasn’t until I came clean about my addiction—to myself and my loved ones—that I was able to start healing those relationships. I’m just glad I did it before I lost them forever.
Sign #7: You are struggling physically or emotionally
Do you wrestle with feelings of shame, self-loathing, depression, or anxiety?
Do you find that using porn or seeking sex leads to physical exhaustion?
Is it hard for you to be physically or emotionally intimate with your partner?
Looking back, it’s obvious to me that my addiction was detrimental to both my physical and mental wellbeing, although I often didn’t realize it. The shame and sense of personal failure weighed on my mind constantly, creating a source of stress that affected my body. And because sex had become transactional for me—just a means to an end—it was almost impossible to have it with my wife.
I’ve talked with many porn and sex addicts, and this kind of chronic struggle is more common than not. It can be hard to recognize when you’re in the middle of it, and it’s tempting to blame it on other things. I didn’t fully comprehend how much my addiction dragged me down until I learned to let it go.
If any of these 7 signs sound like you (or a loved one), you might be dealing with a porn or sex addiction. So, what to do?
In my next post, I’ll talk about the 4 things that helped me recover: one-on-one coaching, group therapy, self care, and self study. For me, this multi-pronged approach was the key to breaking the cycle. Transitioning out of porn or sex addiction is not easy, but with truth and courage, healing can happen.
