Every week I get emails from men and women all over the world. There are several consistent themes among them. One that stands out is some version of this question:
OK, so I realize I’m a porn/sex addict. Now what do I do?
Here is the start of a recent email I got along these lines. I’ve changed a few details to protect the identity of the sender:
Hi Jason,
My name is Jim, and I’m a sex addict.
I’m 27 years old, have a great job, and have so many incredible blessings and achievements in my life that should bring me joy.
But they don’t. As a sex addict, everything is clouded. Porn evolved into sex workers, and I’ve had the inability to change my behavior. I’ve lost my confidence, wasted years and money, and hurt my girlfriend more than any man ever should.
Your book was incredibly impactful at a pivotal time. Once I realized I had an addiction, I started searching for reading material. I’m a huge fan of Tim Ferriss and after listening to your podcast, I immediately dove into your book.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I can’t begin to tell you how your testimony and the advice from your life coach impacted me. It sent me on a journey into recovery. I have now read multiple books on porn/sex addiction, attend SA regularly, and started seeing a licensed sex addiction therapist….
Jim continues to share more of his story with me and eventually asks, “Now what should I do?”. I love this particular email for two reasons:
Emails like this are THE reason I wrote my memoir. I wanted other men and women struggling to know they are not alone, to offer a roadmap for how they can climb out of their painful situation, and even to give an example of a couple who went through dark times but emerged stronger on the other side.
Jim has already done almost everything I typically suggest to people when they ask me “What do I do now?”. He is off to a very strong start.
Here is what I did to recover from my porn and sex addiction…
When I realized I was addicted to porn and sex - when I finally admitted to myself that I was out of control and couldn’t stop my compulsive behaviors - it was very disorienting. I felt a mixture of shame and embarrassment. I even felt like a failure because I had to admit there was something I couldn’t control in my life. Fortunately, amid those complex emotions, and with a push from a wonderful life coach, I could start taking action. Through those actions, my road to recovery opened up before me.
My recovery journey consisted of four main pillars:
1-on-1 Coaching with a life coach
Group therapy in a 12-step program (Sexaholics Anonymous, in my case)
Self-care
A program of self-study (books, YouTube videos, TED talks, etc.)
I’m not suggesting that anyone trying to recover from an addiction needs to have the same four pillars; I’m just sharing what worked for me. Here is a bit more detail about each pillar:
1) 1-on-1 Coaching With a Life Coach
I worked with a life coach, but she could have been called a therapist. The label is not important. What is important is that you have a person you can talk to privately and share ALL of your secrets - ALL of your confusing feelings and emotions - and who can help you identify and resolve any traumas that could be contributing to your addictive cycles. I emphasize “all” because I believe keeping things hidden inside yourself keeps you stuck in your addiction (I’ll write another post someday about “How our secrets keep us sick”). I feel strongly that this coach/therapist can’t be your friend, a family member, or a relationship partner because those people won’t hold you accountable the way a strong coach/therapist will. I also recommend you work with someone with a full practice and a waiting list. You don’t want your coach/therapist to tell you what you want to hear because they fear you’ll stop seeing them. You want someone who will tell you the uncomfortable truths (delivered lovingly, of course) because they aren’t afraid to lose you as a client.
2) Group Therapy in a 12-Step Program
“My name is Jason, and I’m a sexaholic.” Those eight words changed my life. The first time I spoke them, they barely came out, but over time I learned to accept my addiction. Surrendering to the idea that I was an addict, that my life was out of control, was one of the most critical early steps of my healing journey. It’s the same for any addict, which is why all 12-step programs use the same steps. The people I met in my Sexaholics Anonymous meetings were the most honest, courageous, and loving people I’ve known. I could not have recovered from my addiction without attending meetings, reading the literature, and working the steps.
A variety of powerful emotions kept me trapped in my addiction, including shame, embarrassment, failure, and the isolation from not sharing my secrets with anyone. There is nothing like sharing your secrets in a room full of people going through the same struggle - admitting they are imperfect and trying to change - to help you feel less alone, less embarrassed, less ashamed, and more compassionate toward yourself (and others).
A final word on 12-step programs: A few men have confessed to me that if they attend a 12-step program, they fear being labeled an addict for the rest of their lives. I gently suggest they let go of this fear. I believe it is an outdated model that says “once an addict, always an addict” or that you are either in your addiction or you are “in recovery” for the rest of your life. I don’t think it’s true. I think it is possible to get to the root cause of your addictive pattern and then move through and past your addiction. But no matter what you believe, you can’t start resolving your addiction if you don’t work the steps. The program works. I can’t recommend it highly enough.
3) Self-care
When I was in my addiction, I was living a secret, parallel life, and I was disconnected from my inner self and reality. Taking better care of myself turned out to be an important part of my recovery. It started with basic things:
Cutting out alcohol and caffeine so I could sleep better,
Avoiding foods that seemed to rev up my sexual impulses (red meat, in my case),
Taking walks in nature to ground myself, and
Starting a yoga practice that helped me be more present and aware inside my body.
Later I layered in more complex practices, like journaling and guided meditations. I learned to say no to more things and leave open space in my calendar, so I could gradually reduce the baseline stress levels in my life. Over time, taking better care of myself was a simple way of connecting to my inner self and showing love for myself; both important goals for anyone trying to recover from an addiction.
4) A Program of Self-Study (books, YouTube videos, TED talks, etc.)
I’m sensitive to the fact that not everyone can afford a life coach or therapist and that I’m lucky to have one in my life. The good news is that there are tons of inexpensive or free resources for anyone wanting to recover from an addiction. Most of my self-study was through books and YouTube videos, and most of what I consumed centered around spiritual growth and development. As I write in my book, an important part of my recovery was getting back in touch with my “self”, or my spirit. That part of me that was not my mind and not my body. I also read as much Sexaholics Anonymous literature as I could get my hands on. I even read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous because I was so interested to understand the origins of the 12-step process.
Whatever direction your program of self-study takes you in, I encourage you to devote time to learning about yourself and the general human condition using various available resources. Here is a short list (not comprehensive) of some of the more memorable books and videos that I read or watched when I was in the early and most challenging part of my recovery:
Before I started the 12 steps of SA, I felt alone, scared, and lost. The program helped me see that I was not alone and there was a way out. The book laid out a roadmap for me, a path I could follow. To start down that path, I had to surrender. I had to be compassionate toward myself. I had to be honest with myself and others about my addiction, about the *real* me. And I had to take everything one day at a time. The book taught me these things and so much more.
I’ve talked about how an important part of my journey was reconnecting with my deeper self; my spirit. While reading this book, I got the distinct feeling that I was spending time with this man, Paramahansa Yogananda, whose ONLY goal in life was to commune with God (however you define God for yourself is fine). The more time I spent with him, the more I started identifying with his goal, and it also became my goal. When that happened, all the things in my material life that I once cared so much about - the money, the cars, the women - became much less important. It was fascinating to observe the change happening within myself, and it turned out to be an important part of me letting go of the old life I’d been living so I could make room for a new life to emerge.
This was back in 2015 and I think these were some of Brené’s earliest videos, TED talks, etc. I was so full of shame, and she just nailed it. She saw me. She helped me understand that shame was just another part of the journey of being human and that I could allow myself to feel the shame and move through it. [Thank you, Brené!]
YouTube videos of Caroline Myss:
I can’t recall exactly which videos these were, I just remember thinking she was telling me to stop complaining and start taking responsibility for my life. If I harbored any excuses or justifications for my actions (and boy I did!), she wasn’t going to cut me any slack. She wasn’t going to take any of my bullshit. The message was clear: I needed to grow up.
After I revealed my secrets, my life coach recommended this book to my wife and me. Our takeaway was the idea that women who’ve grown up with an addicted parent (which my wife had) would often enter relationships with other addicts because it’s a dynamic they are accustomed to. This was a powerful eye-opener for both my wife and me.
YouTube videos of Thich Nhat Hanh:
Thich Nhat Hanh is just pure love. That’s all. Pure love. Pure consciousness. It would do any of us well to spend more time with him.
Countless videos of guests on Oprah:
There are too many here to list! Eckhart Tolle stands out as the most memorable. His message to stay present was very important during my recovery. In the early period, if I was succeeding in my recovery, I got euphoric because I thought, “I’m cured!”. Then if I failed in recovery, I was devastated, thinking, “I’ll never change. I’m doomed!”. Eckhart reminded me to stay in the present moment, reinforcing the messages from the Sexaholics Anonymous 12-step program to take things one day at a time. [Thank you, Oprah, for creating such amazing and helpful content. You are one of my favorite humans!]
Wrapping up
As I’ve just alluded to, during my recovery, I found that the four pillars above supported and reinforced each other. I’m not sure I could have moved through my recovery as powerfully as I did if I hadn’t worked all four of them together. I might hear a new idea in a 12-step meeting and then go deeper into it with my life coach in my next session. Or I’d share something I learned from a book in one of my 12-step meetings and hear different perspectives. My point here is that, in my experience, having a comprehensive strategy where you address the addiction from multiple angles works better than doing only one of these things at a time.
I hope this post is helpful for you as you figure out your own next steps in recovery. First and foremost, know that you are not alone. This addiction is affecting so many men and women all over the world. Secondly, know that there is a way for you to move through your addiction and find peace on the other side.
Feel free to message me through my website or on social media if you have questions. Until then, I wish you all the best as you continue your climb.
With love,
Jason
PS: If this post is helpful, please share it with a friend or post it on social media and tag me (so I can amplify it). My only goal in writing my book and this content is to be in service and help others who are struggling. I want to spread the words as far and wide as possible, so they reach as many people as possible. Thank you for your help and support :)
